Don’t Boob with your Boobs!

Breasts! Most of us have ’em; ranging in size from the delicately contoured 32AA (that would be my 12 year old daughter and what one of my friends up to fairly recently thought she was) to the very amply blessed (and I won’t embarrass you with the statistics but I do know that Rigby and Peller go up to a cup size 42K).

Bra 42K
Bra 42K

(See, told you!)

The way we feel about our secondary sexual assets ranges from the “I’m having implants/a reduction the moment I can afford it/justify it” to “My best asset”, (said smugly with a downwards glance).

 

Some of us relish the effect our girls have on the boys (so to speak) and some of us seem to spend our lives saying coldly “My eyes are up here, sunshine!”

 

Some of us can do cleavage right down to barely nipple-coveringly decent while still looking wholesome (and sexy, of course; possibly even sophisticated) and some of us need to cover up because we simply look vulnerable or like little girls wearing their mother’s evening dress (that would be me, then!)

Very very few of us can say “Yeah, boobs. I suppose they’re there. What of it?”

First of all, bras.

Sorry to sound boring, but we do need to have our bras professionally fitted, because a tape-measure simply isn’t up to the job. You see, it’s not just the difference between the under the boobs measurement and the round the boobs measurement, but the shape of them there apples/grapefruits/melons.

The problem is that, although the length of the underwiring for a B,C,D and DD cup is standard, the shape that wiring is contoured to is not standard but brand specific, which is why a 36C may fit you in one brand but not in another. I’m sorry, girls, but if you are not an M&S shape, then no M&S bra is really going to work for you.

Just put your fingers on the outside of your bra now, on the underwiring if you have it (most of us do) or the seam if you don’t.  Give it a little push. The wire/seam should be sitting on your ribs, not on breast tissue. If you give it a firm push, your breasts should not jiggle. Slip the straps off your shoulders; your breasts should remain supported and not slip down by so much as a centimeter. Now lift those shoulder straps; your breasts should flatten, but not lift because all the support should be given by the band, not the straps.

So – are you wearing the right bra? Is it the right size, the right shape or – was it once the right size and shape but no longer?

The bad (and expensive) news is that bras definitely have a shelf life, after which they are no longer a shelf but a low cupboard. The idea is (as the old Playtex advert said) to “lift and separate” not “cram in and sling low!” If your bra feels old and loose then it most probably is and it’s time for some new ones.

Many of us wear a larger band size and smaller cup size that we should. Do try a size smaller band and size larger cup and see what happens; you may suddenly find your torso has a whole new profile.

Most bras state that they are hand wash only. For once, I will agree with a washing label. Hand wash, in this case, means exactly that; the hand wash cycle on your machine will not do. This is because the action of the washing machine drum twists the under-wiring of the bra and distorts its shape and therefore the fit. Sad but true. I believe there are some handy little do-dads you can get (probably from Betterware or the like) which enclose your bra safely so it cannot move or be distorted in the machine, but to me it looks like it wouldn’t get washed either because it’s so enclosed.

What bra when? Please, if wearing strapless or spaghetti strapped dresses, use strapless bras: the clear straps are not invisible, they’re just faintly embarrassing for the rest of us. Bras should always be invisible under clothes. If you choose to take your clothes off at any point then the prettiness (and co-ordination) of your lingerie may be an issue, but – as a Pretty Polly advert said in the 1980s “If I want a man to see my underwear – I’ll take him home”. That ad was for the first smooth and slightly padded Tee-shirt bras which are a totally wonderful invention. I would rather my clients not see the pattern of my bra or (if I do happen to have Johnny Depp or Rufus Sewell look-alike as a client at any point) my erect nipples. I rather hope you all have the same point of view (if not the same taste in men!)

Personally, I do try for matching bra and panties (and pretty ones at that). This preference comes from the day when, charging down the beach after my (then) four year old daughter and seeing that she had boarded her Boogie Board on a falling tide and was drifting serenely out towards Holland, I realised that the only thing I could do was shed my outer clothing and swim out to her in my undies. At 9am in the morning this would not normally have been a problem were it not for the crew of hunky demolition men working on the holiday home next door…. Not one of Mary’s finest moments, girls.

Now – if you can do cleavage, should you? Not before 6pm for public consumption (so to speak) would be my advice. Cleavage is never appropriate for business-wear and even a moderately low neckline benefits from an infill of necklace/jugular protection in a professional situation. After six, all bets are off and if you’ve got it – by all means flaunt it, while the rest of us grind our teeth with envy from the sidelines.

Lastly – if you think they haven’t aged very well, you’re probably wrong. You’re the only one to see the sagging, winkles and crepiness, because the rest of us don’t have that same view (and if he’s that close enough to see it, I’m betting he doesn’t care!)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s